Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in quasimodo_zoid's LiveJournal:

Thursday, March 20th, 2008
10:34 pm	The drive for vengance Human beings have a very strong drive to extract justice. Despite life beign unfair we have a strong desire to make it fair. And at times, revenge seems like justice to us. It my not be, but it feels that way, and sometimes it is not until after you extract revenge upon a person and feel their pain and suffering, that you realize it was too much. Only by feeling their pain do you see that they don't deserve it. Which is why it is so important to forgive those who hurt you and not take vengance upon them. You probably didn't deserve the pain they inflicted upon you, but it takes you experiencing that pain for them to see that. Strange though how the human mind, so hard wired for closure on an issue, is driven to see the world in binary patterns. How people make a first impression of a person, then try to look for instances of that person's behavior that support that first impression. Rather than looking at that person's life as a whole despite what supports that 1st impression. The funniest thing is that, the first impression paradigm didn't work. She trusted him deeply until he hurt me. He apologized for it years later and he and i came to trust each other again. She just could not learn to trust him. In her concious mind she did, but in her unconcious mind she was looking for a reason to distrust him. It was only a matter of time before she did. She was so conflicted, one part of her wanted to trust him and see him as the good guy that would never hurt her. There are no guarantees in life though, anyone can hurt you no matter how much you trust them. The other part of her wanted to squeeze him into the opposite archetype, the bad guy that you could never trust no matter what. The person you could write off as a friend forever. Only know does she realize that he isn't like that. Now, after hurting him so severely that he will take months to recover. Months that could have been spent together, in happiness, in kindness, having fun, but that will take time to happen. Life is too short to hold grudges. Learn to forgive, and move on. If we could only have control over our unconcious mind, to prevent it from doing foolish things like this, but we don't. It takes a lot of strength to keep an opened mind and give people a chance to change. It takes a willingness to be hurt and be in emotional pain. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
6:01 pm	Ok Ok, so the basic deal is this. When we are younger, we are hurt by people because we have to learn to take what we hear with a grain of salt. Why? Because people say hurtful things they don't mean and staying calm and rational about things when hurtful things are said to you will help one to filter out what people really believe and what they just feel at the time. And it toughens you up so you don't overreact. I have to admit though, my mother was the kind of woman who lived moment to moment. So when someone says be in the now, live in the now, i am thinking that means what you feel now is all that there is, that people never change. What you are feeling now will remain like this until the end of time. Why? Because my mother did not think wholistically. She would forget everything that happened in the past at any given moment. What She felt right now was all that there is, nothing less, nothing more. That isn't ll that there is though. I have to think about how the past affected something and how things will proceed into the future, or at least how i think they will proceed. (Comment on this)
12:20 pm	Just wanted to say that i love you all i just want to say that i love you all and i don't mean this in the goofy way where i typically say "i love you all and i want to have you collective baby." I really mean that i love each and every one of you and i know that at times i am socially awkward. I really don't mean to be and i know that many of you can look past that and when you do i really appreciate it, more than you can imagine. The thing is, i have not been appreciating those of you that can look past that. I have been bitching and moaning about the ones who cannot. I have been concentrating way too much on getting what i can't have and way too little on appreciating what i do have. And it doesn't matter who you are, i love you. The harder you are to love the more i love you. i think i am starting to understand tough love better though. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away and let issues resolve themselves. I admit i have tried to resolve too much lately, but no longer. My meddling has gone far enough. :-) Current Mood: pensive (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
3:55 am	What I really need, what someone could give me Someone told me this in email tonight "I wish I could make you feel really good about yourself. You are a great person with a lot of talent. I sometimes think your only problem is that your heart is too big and open and soft and you are so willing to give of yourself that you wind up getting hurt." She is absolutely right. My heart is huge and opened and soft and compassionate and I give so much of myself that I wind up hurt. And furthermore, I have next to no confidence in myself sometimes. I went to a bartending class this evening that I signed up for and for a short time, I actually started to feel confident in myself, like I could accomplish something. Which is funny considering that I aready have a bachelor's degree in biochemistry, 3 years experience working in a pathology lab (no grad school though), and half a dozen years experience working in various other types of supporting jobs. I was in a good nursing school but so many life pressures forced me to take a leave of absence. I have given and given and given of myself this past year. Shown great kindness even to those that I do not like. Tried so hard to show compassion and love, always tried to have a kind word to say to someone about themselves and be polite, telling them that it is nice to see them and what a pleasure it is to meet new people. I have tried to show unconditional love to those around me, and you know what it has gotten me? An inability to be independent of my parents, a financial hogtie that I am imprisoned in. I pray to win the powerball so that I can live out from under their strangle hold. I don't normally ask for anything in return from the world, from the people I have been compassionate and caring and loving to, I love you all unconditionally and will continue to love you regardless of who you are and what you can give me. You know what I could use in return for my kindness though? A good job. I interview poorly a lot of the time, winding up ruining my chances at jobs that I am qualified for unless I have a letter of recommendation, and even that does not get me work sometimes. If someone could take a leap of faith, just contact someone who desperately needs a job, me, to build a little confidence in myself, and pay me enough money to get me out from the financial hogtie my parents hold me in. If someone could just disregard the two year unemployment (the years I prepared for nursing school). I'll send a resume but please for the love of God, reward me for my kindness by hiring me without an interview. Just hire me based on what I look like on paper. I can do the job, no matter what it is, I really can, or I'll die trying. Though I doubt that reward is what waits for me. I have already questioned (and by this, I mean that I have doubted) my belief in a kind and loving God more times than I can count. Restore my faith with your kindness and offer me a job, I beg of you please. Current Mood: desperate (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
8:42 pm	The guarantee you cannot make. Many months ago I made a mistake and offended someone by email. I probably should have written it in a Journal back then. Actually I did, a personal journal that no one can see but me. The person I supposedly offended wasn't all that bothered by the public post. I apologized to him publicly and he accepted. That's not where it ended though. A woman who had become very much like a mother to me, in spite of what were obviously serious emotional problems in her life, wanted me to apologize to her. She wanted something that I could not give. She wanted me to promise that this would never happen again. I'm a human being and I make mistakes I said, I can try my best to prevent it. That wasn't good enough for her, she wanted an absolute guarantee and I could not give that. We have barely spoken since. I know from her Narcissictic, self-righteous, arrogant, control freak behavior that this is probably a defense mechanism from having been abused as a child. She never told me that she was abused but I knew, the pattern of behavior is obvious. Any adult child of an alcoholic/abusive/substance addict parent could see that. It's one of the most obvious patterns of behavior one can see. A child grows up in a family where there parent/guardian is unpredictable, often arriving home drunk/high/abnormally angry and screams at members of the family,, maybe beats a few. The drunk parent blames the child for their drinking problems, emotional problems, etc. and the child in turn rebels, blaming the parent for their bad feelings. As the child grows they start to blame other people for their emotions and never own up to their mistakes and bad feelings, often turning to smoking/drinking to ease their emotions just like their parent did (mind you they don't have to, the other behaviors are abusive enough). They become so good at blaming other people for their problems that they can never own up for any of their own mistakes unless they are minor. And worse, they try to control everything they can so as to prevent anyone from being as unpredictable and untrustworthy as their drunk parent. Sooner or later they have turned into exactly what their parents were. That's what she wanted, she wanted me to agree with her even though I thought that she was wrong. She couldn't handle my difference of opinion, she wouldn't even consider the posibility that I might be right and her wrong, that would be giving up control and I might become just like her parent figure and become rash and unpredictable. I refused so she made up an excuse as to why I was sick or wrong just like her parent would have told her. I didn't want to become like that. My real life mother had been like that. I knew a lot of people like that. The point is that months later I lashed out at someone by email. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but she said it, she said that after I apologized as long as it never happened again then things would be ok. I am so scared that it will happen again. I still can't give a guarantee, I'm human for crying out loud! Yoda was so full of shit when he said "Do, there is no try." Is training about always suceeding the 1st time? No, it takes time damnit. A partial success during training is progress damnit. I hate being so smart sometimes, maybe if I was as ignorantly blissful as the people I care so much about I'd be a lot happier. That way whenever I hurt someone I would never feel it just like them. I'd never have to admit to being wrong and I'd loose all of my friends over it, but that's ok, I'd just get new ones. After all, if the people I can't control won't agree with me I can always find someone who will. Why am I so cursed with good heartedness? Why am I cursed with this ability to feel bad when I have done something wrong, to consider the posibility that I might be wrong even when I don't feel it deep down? Why am I cursed with such a deep introspective intellect that is constantly thinking of how to improve myself? WHY AM I CURSED WITH BEING AN INTELLIGENT HUMAN BEING? (Comment on this)